People frequently come into the hospital looking for the ER (emergency room). What they are really looking for is the ED (emergency department). You see, there are multiple rooms – yeah, now you know.
Anyway, tomorrow I will be shadowing an ED doc, which I am ecstatic about. In anticipation, I am re-reading “Things I Learned From My Patients,” a collection of stories from the trenches.
Some lessons I’ve learned:
1. If you are a young male who suddenly becomes the victim of “some dude” or “these two dudes” while SOCMOB*, and you have sustained no verifiable serious injury but yet somehow have become paralyzed (lucky for you, the onset of paralysis began at the same time the cops became interested in your activities for the evening), don’t worry. We have a cure. Despite the fact that you did not flinch in pain at all when 2 large IV’s were put in (an intervention that sends most young males flying up onto the ceiling), and further despite the fact that you underwent a rectal exam without any reaction whatsoever (though you did have good tone), again, don’t worry. You paralysis will be instantly and miraculously cured with one simple device that can even be used by a medical student.
This device is called a foley catheter.
*SOCMOB = standing on a corner, minding my own business
2. If you steal someone’s prescription pad, be aware that “Mofine” isn’t usually prescribed by the unit “pound” (as in “A pound of Mofine”).
3. If you’re a boxer and you’ve just lost your fight don’t yell at me because you were robbed by the referee. You can’t even imagine how much I don’t have anything to do with that.
4. Although it’s very romantic and the symbolism is quite profound, using your wedding band as a cock ring is a terrible idea. Waiting six hours to come to the ED is worse.